Awoken by a multitude of thoughts.

As the title suggests, I woke up this morning only to have my day begin with a multitude of thoughts. I'm not too sure why, perhaps I was dreaming and these thoughts were a epilogue of the dream or something..

But I do not remember having any dreams.

In fact you could say I had a good sleep last night. Though I did wake up tired (as is the case ever since the 6 week holidays wound up), I didn't have a disturbed slumber. But who knows how my mind could have slipped last night.. because with the thoughts I ended up waking up to.. I didn't know what to think of them.

It's hard to believe it is already June. Smack bang in the middle of the year. June is my favourite month. It signals that half the year has passed, it signals the arrival of winter (my favourite season).. and you cannot forget, June signals my birthday!

So as it is already the half way point of 2009, why does it seem that January 2009 was only yesterday?

It may be the middle of the year, it may be freezing, and I am (it's a definite, not a may) inundated with school work and study committments. But I'm not living in June. I'm still living in January. It still feels like the year has only started, it still feels like the holidays, and it still feels like I have 6 weeks to put school at the back of my mind.

This obviously isn't good. Lately I'm finding it hard to be motivated. I've got a Society and Culture essay due the day before my birthday (which is in 9 days btw!), normally my motivated self would have at least started it by now. But no, I haven't. I'm simply not bothered, and it is because my mind isn't focused on school.

So what is it focused on?

As I said, I'm living in January 2009. This month was the best month of this year. I assumed this was the prologue to an epic 2009. But as you may know, as quick as it was good, did it turn shit and has been quite meh for me these past five months.

January 2009 summed up in a word? I would have to say wonderful. I spent it with wonderful people, creating wonderful memories, having a wonderful time in wonderful places. I got to know a wonderful boy more closely than I had previously, and this made me feel.. wondrous. I was on top of the world. Nothing could have brought me down in January, I was at my peak.

But as we all know, what goes up must go down. And down I did go. But now I am slowly climbing up. I haven't reached that same peak.. but I pray in given time I shall.

So what has 'being in June and living in January' got to do with my morning thoughts?

Simple. I just wish I could do it all again. Perhaps do a few things differently, hoping different, more positive outcomes could be achieved for myself. I woke up thinking about some events in particular, and a person involved in this event. I realised that.. well, to put bluntly, life is pretty crap without them. I miss them a lot. I don't even understand why I've started suddenly missing them. It's not like I had missed them much before. In fact I was more than happy to have them out of my life.

But I now know this isn't really what I want.

I was glad James offered to drive me to school this morning, it just allowed me to sit in bed for an extra half hour and contemplate. Amidst this contemplation, I reached for my phone to write these thoughts down. I don't know how to sign onto Blogspot from my phone, so I went and wrote it in a Facebook note. This afternoon when I arrived home I re-read what I wrote. And this is it..

All i do is think of you. It's all i've been able to ever do. Whether it be back when things were good between us, or whether it be when you forgot about us. You always thought i didn't love you as much as i should've, and maybe i didn't show it alot. But when i did, just know it was my heart, mind and soul telling you how i felt. and now you've found somebody else, and i'm left with this strong feeling once returned, but now unrequited. Weird isn't it? I love and miss you.
(Excuse the lack of capital letters etc, I was on my shitty LG webslider)

Wow, with a McDonalds cappucino in my system and 8 hours of being awake, I was able to read this properly. At first I thought 'Is this the garbage I can think of when I'm half asleep?', but then I thought about it some more. It isn't garbage, it's just being honest.

And I have always said that honesty is the best policy.

Honesty is something that first caused a rift between myself and somebody else.
The next was stubborness. I think time has healed that stubborness.. well at least I know it has on my part, not too sure about the others. So if my thinking isn't wishful, and is rational.. we should be able to start properly mending the severed ties. I'm not going to get my hopes up though.

Perhaps this has taught me a new lesson.
To listen to myself and my thoughts in the morning, because that is when I know what I truly desire and wish.