Retrospect.

I saw her again this morning.
Fleetingly from my morning bus, as has been the norm for a whole year.
I couldn't help but think, what life would have been like had I forgiven her and mended our wounds. It seems weird doesn't it? I attempt to mend things with male friends, but when it comes to a female friend, who had been a very close and special friend, everything just fell through.

But thinking it through, I have put some logic behind it. With the male gender, it's almost expected that they will fuck up in some way, and you just have to be tolerant of it. Tolerance is the key. Once you are tolerant, you can overcome any obstacle. So when a male friend fucks up, you may be more inclined to forgive and take them back (not necessarily forget of course) due to the fact that it is expected they will fuck up in some way. But when it's a female friend, things are so much different. Females have a built in empathy (or at least should), and can then understand when a best friend is going through a rough patch. From this, they should know far better than to do anything which will cause them to go through a rough patch. So when your best friend wrongs you in such a grievous way.. your pain just can't allow them to ever come back into your life.

I haven't physically spent time with her for a year. The last time we had spent time together as best friends was the Italian festival last year. This was also the beginning of the end for us, as she had started talking to the person I had liked at the time. Let me just do a quick summary of what happened.

I had liked him since the middle of Year 10, and now it was approaching the middle of Year 11, and I still liked him. Even though it was blatantly obvious we would never be anything more, my feelings had gotten to such a strong point that I couldn't just stop. I had been her best friend since I was in Year 6, and she in Year 5. Our 5th or 6th year of a strong friendship was approaching. Being such a good friend, she obviously knew me inside and out. She obviously knew I still had feelings for the loser. So then what happens? Well, they slowly start getting into contact with each other. This was around the end of May. After many reassurances from herself that nothing was going on between them, I decided to let it slide. She's my best friend after all, right? Of course she was telling the truth, right?

Wrong. Oh so fucking wrong. Following the Italian festival came the weekly Liverpool Idol gigs on a Tuesday night. Myself and my male friend made it a custom to go every week. When one night, I noticed he was particularly busy with his phone, constantly messaging. Being my normal self, I snatched his phone in a light hearted manner to see the caller I.D was simply 'My Sunshine'. "Who. The. Fuck. Could. That. Be." was running through my mind all night. My best friend had also been messaging me that night, encouraging me to 'pick up' guys. Wtf? Things started to get a bit suss. I asked her again, was something going on, again she denied it. This was now the middle of June, a week before my birthday. This is when the truth was finally revealed. An unexpected ally was found in Mr Alex Marshall. He had told me that he had recently been forced to act as a third wheel when they decided they wanted to go on a 'date'. He also told me, that she had completely stressed how important it was for him to keep quiet, so I wouldn't find out. I owe Alex for realising this was slack, and no matter how slack it was for me to find out through a third person, it had to happen. So then there was nothing to it, she had to finally admit to it. By then I was a complete wreck. My heart had been dealt with such a horrible blow, my best friend going behind my back with somebody who I had assumed to have loved. I had lost two significant people in one go. She was sorry, but that came a little too late, when she had already lied and broken an important rule in girl code.

Okay that didn't turn out to be a quick summary. But you know me, once I start, it's hard to finish. Now the only time I ever see her, is if my bus goes past as she walks to school, or occasionally at late night. Today, with the experience gained and the retrospect I hold, would I forgive her? It has been a year, I am suprised that I was able to sever all ties with her for this long. But to reconnect those ties.. it seems kind of pointless. We haven't been speaking for so long, we fell out in the worst way possible, and I told her myself I wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

Don't know why I've been thinking about all this shit lately.. I guess its because it is leading up to a year since it happened. This was a major impact in my life during 2008. A million Panda's taking a million Alessandro's couldn't compare with that. The other day after English speeches, Lauren and Benita were reminiscing about 2008. Lauren specifically remembered a time in English when Benita was consoling me, I was upset by all that shit happening, and I was simply bitching and crying. Sad isn't it, almost a year later I found myself back in that predicament, but obviously due to different causes.

So my conclusion? I really got to stop letting these things get to me. Or even better, prevent them from ever happening.
I've had my fair share of drama.